I lived with my grandma and mum under one roof. This two had very harsh relationship. My mum was young single mum and my grandma was hurt domestic violence victim. This landed into a deep feministic environment.
My mum hurt from her past marriage with my dad was willing to jump into dating again and find me new dad. My grandma wasn't that excited. She was trying to keep her home and willing to do everything to stop her from dating. I didn't really know, what is going on. I was very little. The house rulez were very strict. Mum was allowed to go to work and after work she must go home and stay with me. Reasonable! But she was adult with needs and she was often escaping from home with intentions to find the partner she always wanted. When she returned home, grandma was furious! I believe, she had trauma from her past and she was deeply hurt what caused mental health issues. She was slapping my mum and yelling at her words like slut, fucked from every guy, prostitution, filthy cunt, itchy vagina and lot more of this very flashy words. She used to have some king of mental breakdown that took number of minutes. She was very nasty and angry most of the time.
One sunny day my mum brought a guy home. His name was Martin and he wasn't the best looking. I am standing behind my grandma at the outside door and waiting what is about to happened. Martin was on the way up walking on stairs with bunch of flowers. He came close enough to go on his knees in front of my grandma and ask the question. "Can I marry your daughter"? My grandma didn't waste any second, she took the flower of him and started slapping him with the flowers and chasing him around the block. My mum was quietly watching everything from distance. I was just standing there and watching such a theatre thinking, that this people must be completely crazy. This was probably one of the best things I have ever seen. Later on they got married. I remember him being very demanding of good behaviour from me. When I asked for tea, I had to say... Daddy, can I have tea please? Of course he never made me do it because I didn't like him and he didn't like me nether. I was too proud to say please. Not because I didn't want to be polite, but because he didn't win my respect. Seeing my mum and him kissing was disgusting to me. Saliva flowed down his chin. Grose! His clothes was really gray and boring and he was playing big cool fancy fellow, because he had his own business. My dad was all about not spending money and she probably fell like marrying a businessman will be better. However couple of years later they got divorced. I don't remember much but relieved. No one took my opinion seriously when I was little. I just remember being quietly happy and relieved.
My relationship with my mum wasn't very personal. I remember my mum being cold like a stone. Maybe because she didn't want me at the first place, or she was too young and immature. I remember her blaming me for looking like my dad. I remember her saying it full of anger and disappointment. She was looking after me well. We went every year for holiday somewhere in Europe and swim in the sea, I got plenty of presents every Christmas and Birthday, I was going to cool places like a kids disco or zoo but something was missing. I fell empty.
In our relationship I was missing the love. I don't remember my mum to come and give me a cuddle for no reason. I don't remember her playing with me or telling me once - I love you. We couldn't stay in one room together. When my mum was listening radio and I came around, she slap me and sent me away. The same was happening in living room while watching TV. I remember playing on my own in the kids room with barbie house thinking: "I wish my mum can play with me sometimes". Many times I was running to my grandma giving her cuddle and crying, that I will give her everything back when I grow up. I remember it like it was yesterday. Once I also remember getting visitors in our house. It was my cousin and other family members. He was visiting only once or twice every year and I really wanted to spend some time with everyone. They just came around when my sleeping time came and my mum pushed me to the glass bedroom door. I was hysterically crying for hours in order to let me out. But more tears went down to my cheeks more I realised that nobody cares. I was just quietly sitting on the floor next to the door and listening what they are talking about. When I got emotionally exhausted and I couldn't push more tears out, I quietly went to bed heart broken and angry with the world. I was lonely !
My dad wasn't around much when I was a little child. I remember getting from him letters from jail. Once he sent me portrait of myself that made one of his inmates based on my only picture that he had. He also sent me beautiful wooden ToiToi and inside was a little parrot as a key ring. I really loved my dad. he couldn't be around but his letters were full of love. He was also very creative and adventurous. I loved that as my mum was a completely opposite.
I remember being annoying selfish and miss behaving child. I felt angry and empty and most of the time, I was doing the opposite of what I have been asked in order to give back treatment that I have been receiving from my family. She believed, that she can do and say what ever she wants because she is my mother and I wasn't allowed to react back on it otherwise I got punished again. She didn't realised that my behaviour was a mirror of what she have been showing me...
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